(A rewrite, based on comments. Thanks, Happy Dog!)
"Did you get the milk?"
"I brought in Annie's tricycle. It's going to get crushed on the driveway one of these days."
"I need to make the cream gravy."
"Dr. Vaccaro says my cholesterol is up again."
"I made chicken fried steak. Your favorite."
"My mother sent you a recipe for that pot pie I like. It'll be coming in the mail."
"Is the milk in the car?"
"I'll be in the den after dinner; they bumped up the deadline for the Crittenden project. Can you keep things quiet, please?"
"I guess the kids could have Coke just this once."
"The pot pie uses fresh peas, not frozen. Annie could shell them if you can't find the time."
"Would you like Coke or Dr. Pepper?"
"Is that my mother's recipe? It's supposed to have cream gravy. Weren't you listening?"
Image: By Jessica. Wikimedia Commons.
Painful in its truth. I admit I got confused when he referred to his "Mom." It might be more clear if he referred to her as "my mother."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wish she had mentioned the chicken fried steak directly AFTER his comment about his cholesterol, and NOT said yes, but. At that moment, she seems to be listening which I think is an inconsistency. This is very "Sixth Sense"-ish. They're both talking but it's as if neither one is actually there.
Hope you don't mind the pointed comments this time. Feel free to pay me back with the harshest of criticisms whenever you get around to my fiction. I need it, BAD. Oy, am I rusty!
Kept checking yesterday for your latest vignette. Developing addiction, I think. :)
Thanks! Nope, nope, I don't mind a bit. I was finding it pretty flawed, myself, but was struggling to see exactly what I didn't like. I rewrote it based on your comments, and I like it better, though I'm still eyeing it dubiously.
ReplyDeleteThat means that I need a personal policy for substantial edits. :) This time, I'm going to plop the original in the comment here for future context, and post the rewrite in the post. Just because.
Original:
"Did you get the milk?"
"I brought in Annie's tricycle. It's going to get crushed on the driveway one of these days."
"I need to make the cream gravy."
"Dr. Vaccaro says my cholesterol is up again."
"OK, but the kids still need milk."
"I'll be in the den after dinner; they bumped up the deadline for the Crittenden project. Can you keep things quiet, please?"
"I made chicken fried steak. Your favorite."
"Mom sent you a recipe for that pot pie that I like. It'll be coming in the mail sometime."
"Is the milk in the car?"
"I'll probably be in the office this weekend, too."
Okay, so in my opinion, this is far superior to the previous draft. Small changes, but a big difference in making it easier for the reader to follow. I like it, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI was nervous to give you feedback before, but now that this piece is as contained as it is, I'll tell you the one other thing that was on my mind before: the title. Are they at the dinner table? Because if they are, it's weird that the kids aren't there and that the Coke or milk or whatever hasn't yet been poured. I picture this conversation happening in the kitchen as the wife finishes making dinner. If that's what you intended, maybe the title could do without the word "table." I think that added to my confusion on the first couple of readings. Now I've looked at it enough that I can really picture the scene, and now it's only the title that makes me a bit unsure. Am I reading this right? Anyway, nice work on dialogue that stands on its own. That is very difficult to do, and you did it. Very happy to have stumbled upon you and your writing AND your input!
Hmmm. Yes, you're reading it right, and I'm still not happy with the title. I wandered through thesauruses for a while, but failed. :) One other option was "The Light Of An Oncoming Train", because the marriage sounded fairly doomed to me. :) But I wasn't happy with that either.
ReplyDeleteAha! I retitled. Still not entirely happy, but I think it's better. (I must stop tweaking now. I need a rule - after, oh, two days, no more tweaking.)
ReplyDeleteRewrites, rewrites: I know they must be done if one wants to write really well and you do, write really well, but I want you to know that this made me laugh right out loud. On the first read. And on the second read. And for me that counts for a lot.
ReplyDeleteChristine! Thank you very much. :) I'm very pleased that you liked it.
ReplyDelete